I went shopping with my Granny today -nothing fancy. We just went to some local stores. I was mainly looking for some much needed summer sandals. I ended up with that plus some other things including a new toaster oven to replace ours that died. Thankfully my Granny treated me to everything but the toaster oven. I’m super thankful that she did this for me because shoes weren’t in the budget this month. 🙂

Before we left Granny asked me if I wanted to go visit her sister (my great aunt) in the nursing home. Granny had baked a cake and thought she might like a piece. My great aunt has Alziehmers (total stab at the spelling of that – I’m blogging from my phone). I wasn’t really wanting to go just because you never know how she’s going to be from day to day. I hadn’t even seen her since she was diagnosed. Granny has 5 sisters, and I’m only really close to one of them which is thankfully not the one in the nursing home though she was recently diagnosed with the same condition. She is still doing great and hopefully will not experience the quick deteriation that her sister has.

While I’m not close to the great aunt that is in the nursing home, I do feel a connection with her. She is family, and she even watched me some when I was younger. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t what I saw. I know I was hoping for a better day, and maybe it was for her though I don’t think so. She clearly didn’t know who either of us were. You could see the gears turning, but we were strangers. Granny gave her the cake and continued to talk to her, but she remained so vacant and blank. I don’t know why, but I broke down. It was the worst thing I’d seen in a long time, and I just couldn’t be there. I know there were lots of things going on inside of my head. First was that this could be Granny some day. I don’t want the lady that raised me to not recognize me one day nor do I look forward to my other great aunt reaching this point. I also didn’t know how much she had grown to look like her mother, my great grandmother who I was very close to until she died when I was in 3rd grade.

I was ashamed for not being stronger, but it simply took me by surprise to be confronted with the truth that they are all getting old and time is running out. I’m scared that Granny may not go as gracefully as we all hope, and that she could go sooner than any of us want. I also know that I probably won’t be there when she goes due to living so far away, and this makes me feel guilty…really guilty. I treasure the times like we had today, but I want many, many more. She’s surrounded by many family members here when the time comes, but I still feel bad for being so out of range. I do think about her aging a lot, but I instantly put it away as quickly as it comes. Today was a harsh meeting with the reality of life.

Sorry for the depressing read. Go hug someone you love. I miss Bryan, and can’t wait to hold him on Saturday.